Me: Do you like or hate having autism?
Egg: I like it.
Me: Do you like or hate OCD?
Egg: I hate it.
Me: Why?
Egg: Because it makes everything soooo hard. I wish you could have autism like me. Because it's easier.
Me: Autism is really hard too. I don't mind having OCD, I'd just like it to get a bit better.
Egg: Yeah. We don't want to have nothing though. That would be too easy. We don't want things to be too easy or too hard, we want things to be medium.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
2011
2011 was the year that OCD won.
2011 was the year that depression won.
2011 was the year that anxiety won.
2011 was the year that agoraphobia won.
2011 was the year that M (my partner) had to reduce his working hours during the summer holidays so that Egg could go out, as I couldn't go outside.
2011 was the year that M had to go on stress leave from work. Because I begged him (and locked him in the kitchen).
2011 was the year I locked M in the kitchen so that he couldn't go to work, leaving me home with Egg who had a long weekend of school.
2011 was the year M had to break our house to get out of the kitchen.
2011 was the year there was a fire next door and M said that I would probably rather burn to death than go outside. He was right.
2011 was the year M's parent's offered us 10 years in their beautiful house, as they were moving due to work.
2011 was the year that a dog shit memory ruined and stalled moving house.
2011 was the year that M had to help me. With everything. All the time.
2011 was the year that M became carer and not boyfriend.
2011 was the year that I feared I pushed M too far but he stays, proving he is carer and boyfriend "I love her, She's NAME and She's Mine".
2011 was the year I felt like a burden.
2011 was the year I was a burden.
2011 was the year I was constantly saying "sorry" and "thank you"
2011 was the year I was constantly being sighed at.
2011 was the year M tried to be calm.
2011 was the year I told M it would be a good idea to go for a night out without me.
2011 was the year I was gutted M would rather go out without me.
2011 was the year I scared my family.
2011 was the year the bathroom was infested with tiny bugs and what appeared to be eggs or poo from woodlice (an other infestation).
2011 was the year that a dog mess memory from this house scared me, I worried we didn't clean it properly (years ago) and wanted to bin all of our things.
2011 was the year Egg came home from school with dog mess on his shoe and I freaked out (I think this actually was the main trigger for my breakdown).
2011 was the year I had a mental breakdown.
2011 was the year I stopped functioning.
2011 was the year I was asked "how much do you expect people to take" a million times.
2011 was the year I was asked "how many other people would put up with this" a million and 1 times.
2011 was the year I always felt guilty.
2011 was the year I was told guilt was a selfish emotion.
2011 was the year I didn't know what to feel.
2011 was the year M was so angry with me that he punched a wall and broke his hand.
2011 was the year that M still put gloves on a dettoled things for me, despite having a broken hand.
2011 was the year I felt alone.
2011 was the year nobody understood why.
2011 was the year I let myself rot.
2011 was the year I didn't try.
2011 was the year I did try.
2011 was the year I was nastily asked if I wanted " a pat on the back for being normal" (when I pointed out to M all the things I do fight everyday).
2011 was the year that I screamed yes I do want a bloody pat on the back for being normal because it's hard to be "normal" when you are not.
2011 was the year I was then thanked for the things I do fight.
2011 was the year it was back to asking if I wanted a pat on the back.
2011 was the year M was confusing.
2011 was the year I was called mental, several times.
2011 was the year M was the most horrible person.
2011 was the year M was the nicest person.
2011 was the year my mind wouldn't leave me alone.
2011 was the year I could feel my thoughts racing through my mind.
2011 was the year I hated being awake.
2011 was the year that I was in a state of constant panic.
2011 was the year I had to tell Egg's school to keep an eye on him as I feared I was messing him up.
2011 was the year I messed up Egg.
2011 was the year I scared Egg.
2011 was the year I upset Egg.
2011 was the year I found out how loving, caring, tolerant and compassionate Egg is.
2011 was the year I missed my son.
2011 was the year I couldn't face getting him off the bus, standing outside is just too hard.
2011 was the year I missed M.
2011 was the year I missed myself.
2011 was the year I messed up M.
2011 was the year I messed up myself.
2011 was the year I hated myself completely.
2011 was the year I just existed.
2011 I wanted to be dead.
2011 was the year I wished I was brave enough to kill myself.
2011 was the year that I nearly committed myself but I didn't. Because I didn't want the people who took me away to have their outside shoes in my house.
2011 was the year I tried to cut. But our knives were too blunt.
2011 was the year that I basically couldn't touch anything in the house.
2011 was the year that I was awake at night and asleep during the day.
2011 was the year that I stopped eating, for weeks at a time.
2011 was the year I started biting.
2011 was the year I hair pulled.
2011 was the year I slapped.
2011 was the year I punched.
2011 was the year I whacked my head.
2011 was the year I started taking half an hour to wash my hands.
2011 was the year that M started helping me with hand washing, washing taps when I was finished.
2011 was the year M dettoled a lot of things.
2011 was the year I hardly went to the toilet, because needing help (dettol/tap cleaning) is hard for everyone.
2011 was the year I started taking a minimum of an hour to shower.
2011 was the year my family got frustrated with me hogging the bathroom.
2011 was the year I hacked random chunks of my hair off.
2011 was the year I got too drunk.
2011 was the year I took a few too many painkillers.
2011 was the year I scared my in laws with an email about heaven and living hell, something about wondering if I was actually dead and was in hell.
2011 was the year I thought I was actually in hell, that I had done something so awful in life that this was my punishment.
2011 was the year I hated being an atheist and wished I had something or someone to help.
2011 was the year that I stopped doing the childcare/school/housework/shopping etc.
2011 was the year that childcare/school/housework/shopping etc was left to M.
2011 was the year that I realised how much I did before.
2011 was the year M did christmas.
2011 was the year I lost control of everything.
2011 was the year that my mind raced so fast that I could literally feel the thoughts spinning inside my head.
2011 was the year I cried. A lot.
2011 was the year I shouted. A lot.
2011 was the year M made me get help from the doctor. I wanted to wait until I moved.
2011 was the year I didn't go and see the doctor.
2011 was the year the doctor came round to my house.
2011 was the year I started taking medicine.
2011 was the year I started taking an increased dose of medicine.
2011 was the year the doctor contact therapists.
2011 was the year I put off the appointment.
2011 was the year I was really, really scared.
2011 was the year I drove M crazy with constant questioning.
2011 was the year I frustrated M so much he "wanted to shake me".
2011 was the year I wanted my mum.
2011 was the year that M encouraged me to go for a walk and I had multiple panic attacks, screaming and crying in the street.
2011 was the year that I made M buy me a pair of slippers every few days as I was convinced mine were dirty.
2011 was the year I got very lost.
2011 was the year I stopped being me.
2011 was the year I stopped being a mum.
2011 was the year that I messed my hands up with too much washing, skinning the palms with my nails, using water that was too hot and so on.
2011 was the year that I was scared M would leave me.
2011 was the year I was scared that I wouldn't see my child.
2011 was the year I feared M would have me committed.
2011 was the year that M made threats like that.
2011 was the year that M was incredibly understanding and nice.
2011 was the year that M was a complete headfuck.
2011 was the year that I was a complete headfuck.
2011 was the year I left the parent thing at Egg's school.
2011 was the year I left parent's evening to M as I couldn't face being in a taxi.
2011 was the year that I couldn't get taxis as I was worried the seats were dirty (in fairness this came about because of dirty brown stained taxis), petrol, bad drivers etc.
2011 was the year I found out M had kept in mild touch with his first love, which broke my heart.
2011 was the year I gave up.
2011 was....you know what let's not go on shall we?
2011 was the year that depression won.
2011 was the year that anxiety won.
2011 was the year that agoraphobia won.
2011 was the year that M (my partner) had to reduce his working hours during the summer holidays so that Egg could go out, as I couldn't go outside.
2011 was the year that M had to go on stress leave from work. Because I begged him (and locked him in the kitchen).
2011 was the year I locked M in the kitchen so that he couldn't go to work, leaving me home with Egg who had a long weekend of school.
2011 was the year M had to break our house to get out of the kitchen.
2011 was the year there was a fire next door and M said that I would probably rather burn to death than go outside. He was right.
2011 was the year M's parent's offered us 10 years in their beautiful house, as they were moving due to work.
2011 was the year that a dog shit memory ruined and stalled moving house.
2011 was the year that M had to help me. With everything. All the time.
2011 was the year that M became carer and not boyfriend.
2011 was the year that I feared I pushed M too far but he stays, proving he is carer and boyfriend "I love her, She's NAME and She's Mine".
2011 was the year I felt like a burden.
2011 was the year I was a burden.
2011 was the year I was constantly saying "sorry" and "thank you"
2011 was the year I was constantly being sighed at.
2011 was the year M tried to be calm.
2011 was the year I told M it would be a good idea to go for a night out without me.
2011 was the year I was gutted M would rather go out without me.
2011 was the year I scared my family.
2011 was the year the bathroom was infested with tiny bugs and what appeared to be eggs or poo from woodlice (an other infestation).
2011 was the year that a dog mess memory from this house scared me, I worried we didn't clean it properly (years ago) and wanted to bin all of our things.
2011 was the year Egg came home from school with dog mess on his shoe and I freaked out (I think this actually was the main trigger for my breakdown).
2011 was the year I had a mental breakdown.
2011 was the year I stopped functioning.
2011 was the year I was asked "how much do you expect people to take" a million times.
2011 was the year I was asked "how many other people would put up with this" a million and 1 times.
2011 was the year I always felt guilty.
2011 was the year I was told guilt was a selfish emotion.
2011 was the year I didn't know what to feel.
2011 was the year M was so angry with me that he punched a wall and broke his hand.
2011 was the year that M still put gloves on a dettoled things for me, despite having a broken hand.
2011 was the year I felt alone.
2011 was the year nobody understood why.
2011 was the year I let myself rot.
2011 was the year I didn't try.
2011 was the year I did try.
2011 was the year I was nastily asked if I wanted " a pat on the back for being normal" (when I pointed out to M all the things I do fight everyday).
2011 was the year that I screamed yes I do want a bloody pat on the back for being normal because it's hard to be "normal" when you are not.
2011 was the year I was then thanked for the things I do fight.
2011 was the year it was back to asking if I wanted a pat on the back.
2011 was the year M was confusing.
2011 was the year I was called mental, several times.
2011 was the year M was the most horrible person.
2011 was the year M was the nicest person.
2011 was the year my mind wouldn't leave me alone.
2011 was the year I could feel my thoughts racing through my mind.
2011 was the year I hated being awake.
2011 was the year that I was in a state of constant panic.
2011 was the year I had to tell Egg's school to keep an eye on him as I feared I was messing him up.
2011 was the year I messed up Egg.
2011 was the year I scared Egg.
2011 was the year I upset Egg.
2011 was the year I found out how loving, caring, tolerant and compassionate Egg is.
2011 was the year I missed my son.
2011 was the year I couldn't face getting him off the bus, standing outside is just too hard.
2011 was the year I missed M.
2011 was the year I missed myself.
2011 was the year I messed up M.
2011 was the year I messed up myself.
2011 was the year I hated myself completely.
2011 was the year I just existed.
2011 I wanted to be dead.
2011 was the year I wished I was brave enough to kill myself.
2011 was the year that I nearly committed myself but I didn't. Because I didn't want the people who took me away to have their outside shoes in my house.
2011 was the year I tried to cut. But our knives were too blunt.
2011 was the year that I basically couldn't touch anything in the house.
2011 was the year that I was awake at night and asleep during the day.
2011 was the year that I stopped eating, for weeks at a time.
2011 was the year I started biting.
2011 was the year I hair pulled.
2011 was the year I slapped.
2011 was the year I punched.
2011 was the year I whacked my head.
2011 was the year I started taking half an hour to wash my hands.
2011 was the year that M started helping me with hand washing, washing taps when I was finished.
2011 was the year M dettoled a lot of things.
2011 was the year I hardly went to the toilet, because needing help (dettol/tap cleaning) is hard for everyone.
2011 was the year I started taking a minimum of an hour to shower.
2011 was the year my family got frustrated with me hogging the bathroom.
2011 was the year I hacked random chunks of my hair off.
2011 was the year I got too drunk.
2011 was the year I took a few too many painkillers.
2011 was the year I scared my in laws with an email about heaven and living hell, something about wondering if I was actually dead and was in hell.
2011 was the year I thought I was actually in hell, that I had done something so awful in life that this was my punishment.
2011 was the year I hated being an atheist and wished I had something or someone to help.
2011 was the year that I stopped doing the childcare/school/housework/shopping etc.
2011 was the year that childcare/school/housework/shopping etc was left to M.
2011 was the year that I realised how much I did before.
2011 was the year M did christmas.
2011 was the year I lost control of everything.
2011 was the year that my mind raced so fast that I could literally feel the thoughts spinning inside my head.
2011 was the year I cried. A lot.
2011 was the year I shouted. A lot.
2011 was the year M made me get help from the doctor. I wanted to wait until I moved.
2011 was the year I didn't go and see the doctor.
2011 was the year the doctor came round to my house.
2011 was the year I started taking medicine.
2011 was the year I started taking an increased dose of medicine.
2011 was the year the doctor contact therapists.
2011 was the year I put off the appointment.
2011 was the year I was really, really scared.
2011 was the year I drove M crazy with constant questioning.
2011 was the year I frustrated M so much he "wanted to shake me".
2011 was the year I wanted my mum.
2011 was the year that M encouraged me to go for a walk and I had multiple panic attacks, screaming and crying in the street.
2011 was the year that I made M buy me a pair of slippers every few days as I was convinced mine were dirty.
2011 was the year I got very lost.
2011 was the year I stopped being me.
2011 was the year I stopped being a mum.
2011 was the year that I messed my hands up with too much washing, skinning the palms with my nails, using water that was too hot and so on.
2011 was the year that I was scared M would leave me.
2011 was the year I was scared that I wouldn't see my child.
2011 was the year I feared M would have me committed.
2011 was the year that M made threats like that.
2011 was the year that M was incredibly understanding and nice.
2011 was the year that M was a complete headfuck.
2011 was the year that I was a complete headfuck.
2011 was the year I left the parent thing at Egg's school.
2011 was the year I left parent's evening to M as I couldn't face being in a taxi.
2011 was the year that I couldn't get taxis as I was worried the seats were dirty (in fairness this came about because of dirty brown stained taxis), petrol, bad drivers etc.
2011 was the year I found out M had kept in mild touch with his first love, which broke my heart.
2011 was the year I gave up.
2011 was....you know what let's not go on shall we?
Monday, December 05, 2011
Obsession.
I don't know how to get over the feeling that the house is covered in dog mess.
Back story....8 or so years ago I stood in dog mess. Ed cleaned my shoe for me by rubbing it on a door mat. We never told anybody or did anything and I simply forgot all about it. People would have stood on the door mat then walked through the house, perhaps the wardrobe and fridge were delivered when the door mat was still there. Ed says no, it was long gone.
I don't know what to do. Is it a big deal, should I just get over it? This is ruining moving.
Back story....8 or so years ago I stood in dog mess. Ed cleaned my shoe for me by rubbing it on a door mat. We never told anybody or did anything and I simply forgot all about it. People would have stood on the door mat then walked through the house, perhaps the wardrobe and fridge were delivered when the door mat was still there. Ed says no, it was long gone.
I don't know what to do. Is it a big deal, should I just get over it? This is ruining moving.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Bedroom Ideas & Some Good News!
Ed's parents (aka the homeowners) are letting me remove the wardrobes!!!! They are stressed and upset, which I hate that I have caused. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am. It means a lot to me that I have such awesome would be in laws. :)
Now...bedroom ideas......Ok, so my inspiration for our bedroom came from some red trimmed white sheets (which I saw years ago and never bought, boo) red, white and blue writing paper, this sewn note and Holly's (Nothing But Bonfires) office space. Here's what I am thinking so far....
A metal bed, can add storage underneath.
Crisp white bedding.
Navy blue paint.
A white blind.
A simple, inexpensive paper shade.
Gorgeous white furniture. I am thinking two bedside cabinets, perhaps a set or two of drawers and 2 wardrobes.
In between the wardrobes I would hang a silver framed full length mirror.
I think BAROMETER lamps would look great on the bedside tables and somewhere in the room I would put lovely (and cheap!) clear glass candle holders.
For some pops of red and blue I would add a red throw, some cushions with a simple red heart design and some bright blue candle holders.
I think a bedroom is really important. It's important to have a place that's not for kids. A place that makes you feel relaxed and happy. A place where you want to spend time with your partner. A place where sleep comes easy.
I still have lots to think about!
Here's some links to the stuff in the photo (exept the bedding and blind that were just found on images)..
LILLESAND bed
SONGE mirror
REGOLIT light shade
HEMNES wardrobe
HEMNES bedside tables
HEMNES 6 drawer chest
HEMNES 8 drawer chest
GALEJ tealight holders
STRANGNAS candle holder
IDGRAN cushion
OFELIA throw
BAROMETER lamp
Yep, all Ikea :)
And the paint is "Seaside" from Next.
Now...bedroom ideas......Ok, so my inspiration for our bedroom came from some red trimmed white sheets (which I saw years ago and never bought, boo) red, white and blue writing paper, this sewn note and Holly's (Nothing But Bonfires) office space. Here's what I am thinking so far....
I think a bedroom is really important. It's important to have a place that's not for kids. A place that makes you feel relaxed and happy. A place where you want to spend time with your partner. A place where sleep comes easy.
I still have lots to think about!
Here's some links to the stuff in the photo (exept the bedding and blind that were just found on images)..
LILLESAND bed
SONGE mirror
REGOLIT light shade
HEMNES wardrobe
HEMNES bedside tables
HEMNES 6 drawer chest
HEMNES 8 drawer chest
GALEJ tealight holders
STRANGNAS candle holder
IDGRAN cushion
OFELIA throw
BAROMETER lamp
Yep, all Ikea :)
And the paint is "Seaside" from Next.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
New Tim DVD :)
I wasn't there for the filming this time, but I managed to see the show 3 times. And it was awesome. Obviously. And I met him after two of the shows. Which made me very happy. And spent £120 to get home in a taxi after one of them, which wasn't the best. I also met a few orchestra peeps and Pete (bass) and Brad (drums) and Jules (conductor) and John (tour manager) which was awesome. I have photos and autographs to prove it. Anyway, here's a few videos advertising the awesomeness that is the new Tim DVD. Not that I have it yet because of my ridiculous agoraphobia and the fact I had no idea that it was half way through November till today (what? how did that happen?!)
Nothing Ruins Comedy By Tim Minchin
Pope Disco By Tim Minchin
Tim Minchin and The Heritage Orchestra DVD Trailer
Nothing Ruins Comedy By Tim Minchin
Pope Disco By Tim Minchin
Tim Minchin and The Heritage Orchestra DVD Trailer
Saturday, November 12, 2011
A New Bed
We are getting a new bed when we move. I'm not sure which bed to get. I know it will be from Ikea, because let's face it, I love Ikea and everything will be from there.
I really like this LILLESAND bed.
I also like this BRIMNES bed and headboard. 
However, I wonder if I like it because I am drawn to white furniture and because of the storage it offers. I could easily put boxes under the LILLESAND so I really shouldn't be pulled in by storage. I probably wouldn't have space for the BRIMNES headboard anyway, due to the massive fitted wardrobe (yes, I still hate it and I am still moaning about it).
As for sheets, I'll probably have crisp white sheets, because I love that look, and because I am a grown up...... However I really, really want Star Wars sheets (you can buy the sheets from Pottery Barn Kids) :)
Me: Let's get Star Wars sheets!
Ed: That's for children
Me: No! They sell big bed sizes
Ed: Where sell big bed sizes?
Me: Erm, Pottery Barn Kids...
Ed: Clues in the name.
I'll probably get them for the kid and nap in there when he's at school (that was a joke). I might get the cushions. And a Lego Star Wars alarm clock. And a Darth Vader dress up costume......
According to Sheldon the Star Wars sheets are too stimulating anyways........
I really like this LILLESAND bed.
I also like this BRIMNES bed and headboard. 
However, I wonder if I like it because I am drawn to white furniture and because of the storage it offers. I could easily put boxes under the LILLESAND so I really shouldn't be pulled in by storage. I probably wouldn't have space for the BRIMNES headboard anyway, due to the massive fitted wardrobe (yes, I still hate it and I am still moaning about it).As for sheets, I'll probably have crisp white sheets, because I love that look, and because I am a grown up...... However I really, really want Star Wars sheets (you can buy the sheets from Pottery Barn Kids) :)
Me: Let's get Star Wars sheets!
Ed: That's for children
Me: No! They sell big bed sizes
Ed: Where sell big bed sizes?
Me: Erm, Pottery Barn Kids...
Ed: Clues in the name.
I'll probably get them for the kid and nap in there when he's at school (that was a joke). I might get the cushions. And a Lego Star Wars alarm clock. And a Darth Vader dress up costume......
According to Sheldon the Star Wars sheets are too stimulating anyways........
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
MASKROS?
This light (from Ikea, duh, where else?) is either incredibly awesome or incredibly not. I think it's awesome. Is it? It is, isn't it? Perhaps part of me is worried I'll get lost in the pretty patterns it produces on the wall, and another part of me thinks I'll spend my days trying to blow it like it is a giant dandelion. I could think of worse ways to spend my time. I think I've spent so long in a house that I hate and that I can do nothing to that it feels weird to be able to get nice things. So to MASKROS or not to MASKROS?
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