pros/cons

Being a Single Mother

PRO-I wouldn't have to listen to snoring that was so loud it wakes the snorie up

CON-I'd have to take Egg to the supermarket.

Oh wait you can shop for food online......................................

Big Fight with ED this morning. My fault. I over reacted. I shouldn't have shouted.And I apologise for the way I deal with things when I want to not be alive anymore. Balled up socks in the washing basket was just too much for me to handle. To me it just screams of "fuck you bitch, why should I unball my sweaty minging sock when you will do it for me" he would, of course, never actually say that he'd say "I don't do these things on purpose to be mean" yeah, but fuck sake, you are hardly trying to be nice/helpful. If I don't check the washing the sock ill go in the dryer as a ball and then not get dry with the clothes. Oh and as I was turning the sock the right way to go in the dryer it. was. full. of. sand. So he didn't even shake out the beach from it. This is not ocd btw, this is just me being irritated. I hate washing, and for a three person family we have a bizarre amount of it. Seriously the bedding hardly gets washed coz there is so much in the basket. It doesn't help that Egg will only wear one kind of trouser (he has 4 pairs and no I cannot buy more). It doesn't help that my washing machine doesn't work correctly and needs to go on a rinse cycle. It also doesn't help when people suggest that I am washing things wrong and that is why the machine is the way it is. I know how to do the washing. Trust me. It is very far from rocket science. I have done a lot of washing with other washing machines and unless I suffered ab unknown stroke or blow to the head I doubt I would have forgotten how to put on a fucking washing. It is the little things that drive you insane. Every drip fills that near over flowing glass of insanity. Its the little things that slowly pick away at your soul. Its the little things that drive you mad. Ended up with me screaming about us splitting up and him saying "yeah cos you would cope so well at being a single mother". Read that again, go on. See what it says? If we split up I basically have Egg. Just a passing remark in an argument but to me it speaks volumes.

I will probably never split up with ED but I just wish we had some more cash. I have saved up a far amount but it's like 1/5 of our debt (a few years ago......rainbowmummy depressed, rainbowmummy use credit card to buy toys, rainbowmummy happy in shop, rainbowmummy get home and get stressed about having no storage but happy at kids reaction to toy, rainbowmummy start all over again. Then there was the fact I had no idea how to food shop. Then there was the two loans we took to get some stuff done in the house-before the damp/boiler breakdown GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH). And that is what it will be used for. But if we had cash we could know a lot more.

But so much is the house. Don't get me wrong, I am not a moron who thinks that when I move my life will be all perfect but, look, my house is shit. I can't keep food in my kitchen, no in fact I don't want to list whats wrong with my house. I just know that it has destroyed me. All of me. It has made my ocd plain unbearable.

I don't want to leave ED btw, I am just venting the bad stuff. You know I think he feels the same. He wouldn't chose someone like me as his partner, I don't think. He is just in a rut I guess, I don't think he'd be with me if we didn't have Egg. But then when its good it really is *passes ED a borange*. It used to be worse. The fights my poor child has witnessed. We have both hurt each other. I still feel thick as shit with the confidence of a piece of spaghetti (the anorexic pasta, who still feels fat-especially next to the super skinny angle hair pasta) because of the things that have been said during fights. But it has got better. <-----UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE DECADE!! And I do think we could make this work. The stress that comes with this house is incredible. Moving and then making a little more effort with each other. Having a better environment for Egg. It will all help us. Me getting out of my rut (sitting in my room in front of the computer all day every day waiting for home time). It will happen for us. I can smell it in my waters, oh wait I had asparagus with dinner. Anyhoo..... I am in two minds if I should make this blog private as I am so scared someone I know will find this blog, so I hold back and don't write the way I would like. But I don't know. Perhaps I should have an "eggtivites" blog that is public, you know so I can feel great about people feeling shit about all the work I do with my kid (which will be all made up) and then I can have this blog, you know the "talk me down from the roof" blog. Oh and I'll say it again, I am still waiting for your questions! Also if anyone can point me in the direction of a web site that is for challenging behaviour but not purely for people with learning disabilities I'd be very grateful.